TASTY BOGGS 2 , SHOWSTOPPERS 13

Win: Showstopper Pitcher (1-0) Loss: Dan Uhl (0-1)

TASTY BOGGS FALLS IN TEAM PREMIER
Plano (AP) — Playing their inaugural game in front of a record crowd of 1, the Tasty Boggs (0-1) fell to the Showstoppers (1-0) by a score of 13-2 on Wednesday night at Heritage Yards Softball Complex. Excited to finally be playing an actual game in their new uniforms, the Boggs raced on to the field to open the season with unparalleled energy for a slow pitch softball team. Their enthusiasm was quickly tempered, however, when it was discovered they had misplaced their game ball and the umpire started the clock while LCF Kyle Warner scrambled to find a replacement ball.
“I don’t know what happened. I mean, the ball was still in the wrapper and sitting right next to me while we were warming up, and next thing I know, I can’t find it anywhere, and I’m all like ‘damn, this sucks’, and the umpire is all like ‘you’re on the clock’, and I’m all like, ‘damn, this really sucks” Warner said after the game.

After a two minute delay, a ball was found and the Tasty Boggs era officially began. The Showstoppers wasted no time in welcoming the Boggs to the big stage that is the Plano softball leagues, scoring 7 runs in the top of the first inning with a lethal combination of plate discipline and precision hitting. After having served up a handful of walks and weak singles, Boggs pitcher Dan Uhl appeared to have the Showstoppers right where he wanted them with two outs, the bases loaded, and a big dude who looked like he couldn’t hit at all at the plate. The big dude, however, hit a soft line drive to the outfield that just inched over the glove of a leaping RCF Ryan Warner, clearing the bases and blowing the game wide open, making the score 7-0. After the final out of the top-half of the first, the Boggs energy had been replaced by a look that can only be described as dazed and confused.

“Wow, that inning sucked. That was way worse than when…oh, wait, I can’t say that out loud,” claimed Uhl.

When the Boggs stranded two baserunners in the bottom of the first inning and failed to score, the outcome of the game seemed inevitable. The Showstoppers scored three more in the top of the 2nd inning to make the score 10-0. While SS and Game 1 MVP Reece Leonard did come through with a clutch 2-out, 2-RBI single in the bottom half of the inning, it was not near enough as that was all the Boggs could muster in their first ever game. Swinging at several first pitches, the team ended the night by only hitting 8-22, a measly .364 average that will not win many softball games.

“We can only go up from here, and we will go up from here,” manager and RCF Ryan Warner said. “We’ll shake things up if we need to. We won’t lose the game ball right before the game starts. We’ll bring more fans. We’ll drink more beer beforehand…this team will do whatever it takes to win a softball game, TRUST me. And when I say whatever it takes, I mean we’ll drink more beer beforehand.”

“Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team,” said 1B Jeremy Vaughan of the team’s performance.

While the final score was not what any of the Boggs fans wanted to see, they were raucous and vibrant from start to finish, never ceasing to show their full support and dedication for their beloved new team.

“I’m just glad my son wasn’t here to see this crap,” stated an outwardly excited Stephanie Warner, wife of LCF Warner and apparent only Tasty Boggs fan.

Tasty Boggs will next be in action as they take Field 4 of the Heritage Yards softball complex again next Wednesday, as they go for their first ever victory against Monkeys 1.
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TASTY BOGGS 7 , MONKEYS ONE 11

Win: Monkeys 1 Pitcher (1-1) Loss: Ryan Warner (0-1)

LIKE THE WIND, TASTY BOGGS BLOWS HARD, LOSES AGAIN
Plano (AP) — In a game that defied logic and scorned reason, the Tasty Boggs, playing in front of a new record crowd of 3, sent their adoring fans home disappointed again, falling to the Monkeys 1 by a score of 11-7 on Wednesday night. Fighting weather conditions that saw wind gusts of up to 42 mph, the Boggs (0-2) played defense eerily similar to the St. Patrick’s School for Blind Children second-grade girls softball team, allowing an unprecedented number of unearned runs.

The visiting team for the first time this season, the Boggs jumped out to a quick 3-0 lead in the first inning behind a barrage of hits, sacrifices, and a game ball that was not lost right before play started. With team confidence at an all-time high and winning the only thing on any Boggs players mind, the team charged onto the field for the bottom of the first inning with all signs pointing to victory. However, the Boggs were quickly reminded that defense is also part of softball. With the bases loaded and two outs, the Monkeys hit a towering fly-ball into the wind in right field. RF Alex Vest, noticeably not wearing cleats, had a beat on the ball, but slipped and fell on his back trying to make the catch, allowing three runs to score. After the Monkeys pushed another run across the plate before the inning was over, the Boggs big lead had turned into a one-run deficit, and all momentum was lost.

“I hate first innings. They’re stupid. We shouldn’t even play them. You know what, though? It’s a long season, and we can totally come back from this. We’ve got six games left, and really, when you think about it, that’s almost seven games left,” said 2B Tyler Lawless, who went 3-3 on the night.

Though they continue to lose and not look great doing it, the game was certainly not played without its share of Boggs highlights. With the scored tied at 4, no one out and a runner on first in the bottom of the second inning, maverick manager, Game MVP, and P Ryan Warner called for an unusual defensive play that worked to perfection. The element of surprise in full-force, Warner’s call for the 10-9-1-2-5-6 double-play was executed flawlessly, erasing any chance the Monkeys had at scoring in the inning. Later in the game, with the Boggs trailing and needing an out, LF Jeff Keller made a spectacular over-the-shoulder-cause-he’s-kind-of-slow-and-then-accidentally-fell-down catch that prevented a run from scoring.

“The unwritten rules of softball managing say you shouldn’t call for that play. But as we all know, unwritten rules are meant to be, uhhhh, written. And then broken,” Warner said of his odd but effective managing decision.

Asked how he adjusted to make his amazing catch, Keller claimed “When I see a fly-ball coming, I’m all like ‘What’s up bitch?!’, and the fly-ball is all like ‘Nothing, sir’, and I’m all like ‘That’s what I thought, bitch! Now go make me a sandwich!!”

The Boggs final real opportunity to claim victory came in the top of the fourth inning. Trailing just 9-7 after a clutch two-out, two-RBI double by RCF Kyle Warner, LF David Brady came to the plate with two runners in scoring position, needing only a single to tie the game and apply all pressure to the Monkeys. However, Brady, who has now combined with 1B Dan Uhl to go an unremarkable 0-10 on the year, grounded out to the SS, ending the threat.

“Who has two thumbs and loves to not get a hit when the game is on the line? THIS GUY,” stated an exasperated Brady, both his thumbs pointing up to his face.

“Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team,” said 3B Jeremy Vaughan when asked how the wind conditions might have played a role in the outcome of the game.

After a disappointing 0-2 start to the season, the Tasty Boggs will aim for their first victory on Wednesday, June 11th when they take on KAOS at Field 4 of the Heritage Yards softball complex.
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TASTY BOGGS 4 , KAOS 20

Win: KAOS Pitcher (3-0) Loss: Dan Uhl (0-2)

KAOS REIGNS SUPREME; BOGGS FALL AGAIN
Plano (AP) — When asked what the key to his success at the plate was, Babe Ruth, arguably the greatest hitter in the history of baseball, once said “See the ball. Be the ball”. Unfortunately for the Tasty Boggs, on Wednesday night they were declared legally blind in 37 states. Playing with a makeshift lineup due to the loss of several key players, the Boggs (0-3) failed once again in their attempt for that elusive first-ever victory, this time at the hands of KAOS (3-0) by a final score of 20-4. In front of a slightly less than capacity crowd of 1, the Boggs staked their claim as the worst hitting softball team in Plano since the strike-shortened 1979 season.

“Oh yeah, I remember that year. There were some really terrible hitting teams back then. I mean, they were beyond awful at hitting the softball,” remarked the Three-Kneed Umpire after the game. “Yeah, I’d say Tasty Boggs would have fit in pretty well with those clowns.”

Avoiding the remarkable first-inning lapses that had cost them so dearly in the previous two games, the Boggs 1-0 deficit after the top of the first frame was a welcome surprise. With the Boggs looking like a team that was absolutely determined and almost mystically possessed to get into the win column, a certain aura of vulnerability was cast on the undefeated KAOS as they took the field for the first time. However, quickly reminded of who they were playing, they managed to get through the entire Boggs lineup before even yielding so much as a base-runner before manager and LF Ryan Warner beat out an infield single with one out in the fourth-inning. The ten consecutive batters retired to begin the game is believed to be a Heritage Yards record, one the Boggs would rather soon forget.

“OH……MY……GOD. Seriously, OH……MY……GOD,” shouted SS Reese Leonard when he heard of the first three innings. Leonard, who did not attend the game for some stupid meeting, faces a possible fine from Tasty Boggs upper management for not participating.

As offensive as the offense was, the Boggs only trailed 4-2 and remained very much in the game through the first four innings. Despite playing without three regular starters and having multiple players out of position, the Boggs solid if not spectacular defense appeared to frustrate the powerful lineup for KAOS. Perhaps even more impressive than the defense was the Golden Arm of P Dan Uhl. Demoted to the bullpen after multiple walks and meatballs in his first start, Uhl pitched with the precision of a slightly tipsy neurosurgeon in action, which qualifies as the best Boggs pitching performance of the year. Uhl walked only one batter and also managed a strikeout in 6 innings of work.

“I thought Dan pitched like his life, as well as the lives of all those he cares about, was on the line tonight,” manager Warner said in regards to his new ace. “I guess when I tied him to a chair before the game, held a gun to his head and told him his life, as well as the lives of all those he cares about, was on the line tonight, it worked.”

The competitiveness of the game was completely drained in the top of the 6th and final inning. Losing 9-2 entering the fateful frame, the Boggs defense finally came back to earth, committing multiple errors and allowing a comical amount of unearned runs. When the dust settled, they were behind 20-2, and all hope was lost. While their defense failed them miserably in the 6th, the Boggs complete lack of production from anyone in the lineup not named Warner continues to be a disturbing trend. Other than the Super Warner Bros., the rest of the team combined to go a measly 4-20. SS David Brady went hitless again, making him the only Tasty Boggs player without a hit this season, and possibly the only human being on the planet to play three consecutive softball games without managing even a single.

“MWAHHAHAHA!! This is exactly as I planned it! It is only a matter of time before Brady sells his soul to me in order to get a hit! MWAHHAHAHA,” remarked Satan following the game.

“Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team,” answered absent 3B Jeremy Vaughan when asked who he planned to vote for in the upcoming Presidential election.

Tasty Boggs will try again for their inaugural victory on Wednesday, June 18th at 7 o’clock when they take on OCS at the Heritage Yards softball complex.
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TASTY BOGGS 2 , OCS 18

Win: OCS Pitcher (3-1) Loss: Dan Uhl (0-3)

BOGGS HALFWAY HOME TO A PERFECT WINLESS SEASON
Plano (AP) — Death. Taxes. A Tasty Boggs loss. After yet another humiliating defeat on Wednesday night, this time at the merciless hands of OCS by a final score of 18-2, the Tasty Boggs have joined the official list of sure things in life. Despite playing in front of an amazing record crowd of 11, shattering the previous record by 367%, the Boggs were manhandled from start to finish by a more talented, more aggressive, yet noticeable older and more out of shape OCS squad. Falling to 0-4 on the season and now being outscored by an average of 15.5-3.75, the Boggs have just four games remaining to capture their first win in franchise history.

“You play to win the game,” remarked manager Ryan Warner, whose absence as a manager did not seem to affect the team as much as his absence as a hitter did. “Of course, you also have to win to play. And it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose, or possibly tie. I know that’s confusing, but that’s why I’m the manager and you’re not. Don’t get me wrong, winning isn’t everything. Is it the only thing? I don’t know….I don’t know. You tell me. I haven’t won yet.”

The home team for the second consecutive week, the Boggs trailed by 6 runs before they got to bat for the first time, once again putting themselves in a serious hole to start a game. After an emotional players-only team meeting in the dugout before they batted, this time the Boggs seemed destined to immediately battle back when CF Jeremy Vaughan roped a single to left to lead off the frame. However, destiny for the Boggs became a cruel reality when LF Kyle Warner followed Vaughan’s single by grounding into a 5-4-3 double play. A play that was considered at the least a disgrace to humanity, yet not even close to the worst play the Boggs have made this season, the out was the first 5-4-3 double play made this century by any team at any level at Heritage Yards. When 3B Tyler Lawless grounded out to end the inning, 3 up and 3 down, any doubt about the outcome of the game was put to rest.

“That was a kick-ass party I threw on Saturday,” stated C Nick Patton after the game when asked about the string of consecutive losses. “But having kick-ass parties at your house on Saturday doesn’t do you much good come Wednesday when you have to play softball. I mean, what’s the point of having kick-ass parties on Saturday if all we’re going to do is lose? I’m tired of losing, and I won’t stand for it anymore!! There’s only one way for this team to get rid of our losing ways…Kick-ass party at my house this Saturday AND Sunday! Boo-ya!!”

The Boggs appeared to be mounting a small rally in the 2nd inning after putting the first two batters on base with no outs. Much like the Dallas Mavericks, however, that inevitable Tasty Boggs complete and utter collapse quickly occurred when both said runners were thrown out at the plate on the following two at-bats. Having a runner thrown out at the plate on consecutive at-bats gave the Boggs yet another startling softball record, and made the OCS fans in attendance laugh out loud. The Boggs first and only runs of the game came in the following inning, when 2B Jeff Keller and P Dan Uhl made amends for being out at the plate by hitting consecutive RBI singles. RF Chris Monday was asked about the offensive explosion in the third inning.

“That’s how I roll,” said Monday, who had nothing to do with the two runs the Boggs scored but did manage to make a couple very nice catches in the outfield and likely would have been named Game MVP if not for the two cute babies in attendance.

For the total lack of competitiveness of the game, the Boggs did not go without their share of proud, memorable moments. Towards the end of the contest, they did manage some heated words with the opposing dugout when OCS stole third base despite holding a 16-2 lead. That move classified OCS as “total dickheads” in the dictionary of softball etiquette, and at least provided some solace in another loss. Also, before the game, 1B Alex Vest announced that everyone was invited to his bar after the game next week. When he clarified his statement by saying “win OR lose”, a feeling of excitement and anticipation rushed over the whole squad.

“Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team,” said CF Jeremy Vaughan when asked to compare and contrast the scientific accuracy and relevance of Pavlov’s Classical Conditioning dog experiment with Newton’s Theory of Universal Gravitation.

The Tasty Boggs will attempt to get to 1-4 and will fall to 0-5 next week when they take on the Hitmen at 7:00 at the Heritage Yards Softball Complex.
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TASTY BOGGS 4 , HITMEN 15

Win: Hitmen Pitcher (4-1) Loss: Kyle Warner (0-1)

BOGGS PLAY AMAZING FIRST INNING AND A HALF; REST OF GAME A HAZY MEMORY
Plano (AP) — Playing noticeably inspired softball, the Tasty Boggs managed to tie the Hitmen through one and a half innings on Wednesday night with a score of 1-1. Being tied so late in the contest equaled a season best for the Boggs, who were also tied with Monkeys One through one and a half innings earlier this year. An unexpected power surge that resulted in four singles through the first two times at bat brought great delight to the Boggs fans at the game, who did not seem to know what to do with their team being so competitive so far in to the game. The fans turned downright speechless when OF Chris Monday hit into a 4-6 fielder’s choice that resulted in a run scored and a tie game in the top of the second.

“This is what we’ve been waiting for all year,” exclaimed fan Stephanie Warner, speaking on behalf of all Tasty Boggs admirers across the globe. “All we’ve wanted to see is our boys be competitive into the second inning, just once! This is a real accomplishment these guys made tonight. 1-1 through one and a half innings?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! Is this heaven? I feel like I can die happy now. It’s Christmas in June!”

After the completion of the second inning, at which point the Boggs trailed 9-1, any chance of an actual win was gone. Though they ended up losing by a final of 15-4, that didn’t seem to bother the Boggs players, who celebrated their being tied after one and a half innings well into the night.
“It’s kind of a hazy memory to be honest, the rest of the game that is. Somebody said something about giving up 8 runs in the bottom of the second? And getting laughed at after trailing 15-2 in the fourth? I think I remember the umpire calling us ‘total dipshit losers’ when we got all excited about almost not getting 10-run ruled in the fifth, is that right? All I know is this: 1-1 through one and a half, baby! AHH YEAH,” claimed OF Aaron Efurd, who scored that one run.

The only real highlight of the rest of the game came in the third inning, when OF and manager Ryan Warner led off by hitting an inside-the-park homerun. After crossing home plate, Warner mysteriously disappeared into the parking lots. With his teammates thinking he must have just gone to the bathroom or grabbed his glasses out of his car, Warner returned moments later, shouting at the top of his lungs.

“I GOT THEM! I GOT THEM! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I GOT THEM! FINALLY, HANNAH MONTANA TICKETS!! YES!! HANNAH MONTANA, AHHHH!” said Warner, who had actually gone to the parking lot to call a radio contest for the tickets. When told it was a very thoughtful gesture that his kids will surely remember forever, Warner said “Yeah right! My kids are too young…these are for me and me only! It will be the show of a lifetime, I’m so excited! HANNAH MONTANA, YEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!”

Though he ducked out of the locker room before the media could arrive, OF and team batting leader Jeremy Vaughan left a note on his locker that read “to the media: Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team.”

Tasty Boggs will have their first repeat matchup of the year on Wednesday, July 2nd against the Show Stoppers. The Stoppers previously beat the Boggs 13-2 on opening night are rumored to be considering batting left-handed and with their legs tied together for this game. Early odds show the Stoppers as a 13 run favorite as a result.
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TASTY BOGGS 9 , SHOW STOPPERS 7 (not a typo)

Win: Kyle Warner (1-1) Loss: Showstopper Pitcher (4-2)

HELL OFFICIALLY FREEZES OVER
Plano (AP) — Some will recall many years from now exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. Some will one day tell their grandchildren about the moment, the day everything changed. Most will remember this forever as simply the best day of their lives. In the biggest, most shocking underdog victory since P Kyle Warner got a yes answer to his engagement proposal in 2004, the Tasty Boggs defeated the Show Stoppers by a final score of 9-7 on Wednesday night.

“Epic. Majestic. That’s how I would describe it. It was amazing. It was fantastic. It was everything I thought it would be and then some. It was easily the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” remarked RF and game MVP Dan Uhl after the game. When told he was being asked about the softball game and not the New Kids on the Block reunion tour concert he went to the other day, Uhl said “Oh. Yeah, the softball win was pretty cool, too.”

The game was a good one from the start. Shaking off the ghosts of failed first innings past, the Boggs raced to a 4-0 lead to open the game. When the Stoppers scored 2 in the bottom of the first frame, it marked the first time in franchise history the Boggs held a lead through a full inning. Despite the umpires refusal of their request to stop the game for a ceremony to honor the occasion of having a lead, the Boggs scored twice more in the second inning to start rumblings amongst the fans that they might possibly be watching a real team. However, the Stoppers came back to tie the game at 6 in the bottom of the fourth. With tension in the air you could cut with a knife, Uhl, unfazed by the historical context of the moment, ripped a two-out double down the line to score Warner in the fifth and take the lead for good. When the Stoppers pulled a bizarre self-inflicted intentional double play in the bottom of the sixth, victory was imminent and the Boggs masterpiece was complete.

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen that self-inflicted double play actually work, I’d have $3.85. BUT, if I had five dollars for every Tasty Boggs victory, I’d have $5. You do the math,” said 1B Alex Vest when asked of the Stoppers decision to essentially give up in that sixth inning.

The final out, a lineout caught by Vest, brought about a mad celebration on the field for the Boggs that would probably be considered “showing up” the other team, seeing as how it was a mid-season softball game in the recreational league. Tact was the last thing on the Boggs players minds, however, and rightfully so. With this their first opportunity to savor a win, the team celebrated late into the night and likely did not show up for work on time the next day.

“Ain’t no party like my nana’s tea party. Hey! Ho!” said RCF Chris Monday, who skipped the team celebration for a tea party with his nana.

“One word: Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team,” claimed SS Jeremy Vaughan. When told that was actually eight words, Vaughan said “Thank God Jeremy Vaughan is on this team.”

The Boggs will go for their first ever win streak next Wednesday when they take on the Monkeys 1 at 8 o’clock. Team officials plan to hold a press conference prior to the game to introduce the Tasty Boggs new official team slogan: “God. Family. Softball…not necessarily in that order.” T-shirts with the slogan and TB logo will be available prior to the first pitch. The game will also mark the last opportunity for 3B David Brady to quit being a douchebag and actually get a hit, as he will not be able to attend the final game of the year.
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